Finding/Losing Faith After Cancer

I usually don't discuss religion with too many people. It's always a sore subject; regardless of your religion, or lack there of. But I recently had a conversation with a pastor that brought all these bad memories back to me.


I am one of those people who lost their faith after cancer.


No, it wasn't being angry with God for giving me cancer. It wasn't resentment. It was because of one little decision of a pastor that I had grown up with and grown to love.


My condition had been so grave when I was finally diagnosed, I was hospitalized for the next three weeks. (Driven from doctor's office, straight to hospital.) I asked my sister to call my pastor to come and see me. I was in desperate need of spiritual guidance and clinging to whatever hope I could find. I received a call from this paster the next day, at the hospital. As it turned out, she had changed churches. And I was not a member of her new church. She couldn't come to see me. She insisted I call the new pastor at my church, whom I didn't know. And she told me "You'll be just fine."


It was a couple of days later that I was officially diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I was refusing treatment, until my father put it all on the table for me. I would, without a doubt, be dead by my 24th birthday if I didn't do chemo. (My birthday was only a month away.) Obviously, I'm alive now. I caved and went through chemo. Later got married, and now have a daughter. So the "my" pastor (Which she isn't anymore, as she isn't working for my church anymore.) was right. So, why did this brief conversation I had with her nearly eight years ago effect me so much?


My conversation with a new pastor at a church in another state helped me realize why. It was a couple of reasons. One, politics. Religion doesn't belong in politics. And politics doesn't belong in religion. Yet, for several millenia, they always go hand in hand. Which, I feel, defeats the true purpose of both. But that's a conversation better left to a sociology term paper.


      Second, my pastor let me down. Not only was she the ONLY female pastor I had ever met. She was a young pastor. Sweet and charismatic, she had a knack with understanding the teenager. I do credit her for helping keep me out of trouble. But it was this little thing she announced to all of us the first day of confirmation class. She gave us all her phone number, and told us that if we were EVER in trouble, to call her. She didn't care what the trouble was. She would come and get us, no questions asked. We all got a freebie. I never used my freebie throughout my teen years. And when I wanted to claim my freebie at the age of 23... she didn't come.




I was quite surprised that this conversation with this new pastor got to me so much. I actually cried. All these aweful memories and feelings I'd held back for so long just came to surface. Maybe now, I'll be able to make peace with all this. Who knows. But at least I now know where all my resentment comes from.

Let's not forget our caregivers. The best friend, husband, parent, or sibling that helped you through cancer. They put up with the temper tantrums, the resentment, the mood swings. They were there to help you do the simple tasks around the house. They helped out with the kids. Even if it was just a neighbor who brought over a casserole, so you wouldn't have to cook. (Or order out for pizza, AGAIN.)


I personally thank my mother for helping me with all her emotional support.


Some gift ideas for our caregivers...


ChooseHope.com Caregiver Gift ideas for purchase.


Appreciative Tee on CafePress.com




The Breast Cancer Caregivers Survival Guide: Practical Tips for Supporting Your Wife through Breast Cancer

Cancer Merchandise.

Great for keeping hydrated during chemo...

Chemo Tips

How to make chemo FUN!! (yes, I said it... FUN!!)




My mother did a great job of keeping chemo fun for me. I almost started looking forward to it every month. (Almost.)






1) Special food. (The tip is to bring food you never eat. Somethin you always enjoy. For me, it was chocolate peanut butter ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Yes, the nurses have a freezer... they'll keep it in there for you.)






2) MOVIES!! (I went into a deep Disney phase. You may have an opportunity to have your own room, or even your own tv in the office to bring movies to watch. Or, you gave bring in a portable DVD player, which are really cheap now, and use headphones so you don't disturb anyone.)






3) NAP. I had to take Benydrill IV because I was allergic to retuxin, so this meant I'd always be in a deep sleep for a good chunk of my 8 hours of chemo.










4) Wear silly clothes.






5) Make chemo tinis. (I kinda got this from Sex and the City. But bring plastic martini cups and use cranberry juice and sprite. NO ALCOHOL DURING CHEMO PLEASE!!! Dress up in ultra chic outfits. Wear a coach or chanel scarf around your chemo dome. Wear big movie star glasses.)














And most importantly,






Have a last chemo party. When my friends have their last chemo, I bring gifts and cupcakes for the nurses. Not to mention gifts for my new survivor. Last chemo is a huge deal. Bigger than graduating high school.

Book suggestions

I read "It's Not About The Bike: My Journey Back to Life" after my diagnosis. I found it so helpful. Lance had been the same age as I was when I was diagnosed. I found a kindred spirit in him, knowing that my bitterness was normal. We all just have to move on from it.




All "Chicken Soup" books are a good bath tub read. You may cry at some stories, and you may laugh at others. But after you finish this book, you will be ready to survive.

New Site Suggestion

I had found out about this site after I was already in remission. It's a fantastic site.


ChemoAngels


They match cancer patients with survivors to help boost spirits and give inspiration. Fantastic concept. They will do their best to pair you with a survivor similar in age and diagnosis, so you get to talk to someone who has been there.


Survivors can feel free to visit this site as well to be pair with a patient too.

Celebrities with cancer.

You are not alone, below is a list of celebrities who are also survivors.


Suzanne Somers( "Three's Company): Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 2001


Edie Falco ("Sopranos"): Breast Cancer


Colin Powell (One-time Secretary of Defense): Prostate Cancer. Diagnosed 2003


Olivia Newton John ("Grease"): Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 1992


Richard "SHAFT" Rountree: Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 1993


Kylie Minogue (pop singer): Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 2005


Charlie Watts (Rolling Stones) Throat Cancer. Diagnosed 2005


Christina Applegate ("Sweetest Thing"): Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 2008


Gloria Steinem: Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 1986


Sheryl Crow (singer): Breast Cancer. Diagnosed 2006


Lance Armstrong (cyclist. "LIVESTRONG"): Testicular Cancer. Diagnosed 1997


Michael C. Hall ("Six Feet Under", "Dexter"): Hodgkins Lymphoma. Diagnosed 2009


Barry Watson ("Seventh Heaven"): Hodgkins Lymphoma. Diagnosed 2002