Crazy Sexy F*CKIN' CANCER!!!!

Watching "Crazy Sexy Cancer" on the Discovery Channel. Apparently it's "survivor night." So, they are showing a bunch of documentaries about/by cancer survivors.

I don't know WHY the fuck I'm watching this. Seriously, all it is doing is making me seriously depressed. Remembering that I'm incurable. I realize, okay... I've been in remission for seven years. That's a long time. For most cancers, I'd be considered cured by now. But, I have NON Hodgkins lymphoma, which has been categorized as incurable.

Everyone I know with lymphoma has relapsed and died.

Every

single

one.

I'm all that's left of my little lymphoma clique.

So, I'm getting these feelings of guilt. **why am I the only one left?** And I'm feeling lonely. **obviously, because I'm the only one left** And I'm feeling anxious. **when will I relapse?**

I've done a good job of putting it to the back of my mind lately, having cancer. This is a huge deal for me. I used to introduce myself as "I'm AmandaIhavecancer." It took YEARS for me to stop doing that. To stop using cancer as my defining characteristic. I think a good chunk of that, is because I'm a mom now. I don't think my daughter is ever going to realize the lives she has already saved. And she's only two.

Tonight, the thoughts are coming back again. Mostly because I found a lump.

I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago in my arm pit. Sometimes these lumps will go away. But it hasn't yet.

I'm getting flashbacks from the summer of 2002. I had been finding lumps all over my body. My legs. My arms. My abdomen. My neck. Everywhere. And I was freaking out that I might have cancer. I said "lymphatic cancer." I had never heard of lymphoma. But I knew something was wrong with my lymphnodes. It took about seven months to be diagnosed and give that bitter/sweet "I told you so" to my parents, fiancee, and doctor. The only time I didn't like being right.

I'm dealing with it better this time around. But yeah... I should gain the courage to actually go to the doctor about it. I can't be like Chris in "Crazy Sexy Cancer" and go on a raw diet to cure my cancer.

May We All Be Coffee Beans!

Finding that I need to repost this today. I hope it helps someone.


Found in the Orange Peel Gazette

You will probably never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
     A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
     Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on high fire. Soon, the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
     In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
     "Carrots, eggs, and coffee." she replied.
     Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take and egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
     Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. It's outer shell protected it's liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, it's inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
     "Which are you?" she asked her daughter, "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
      Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
     Am I the egg that starts will a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
     Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Seether

Seethingly jealous today. I hate being jealous. I wish I could just be happy for myself and everything that I've accomplished. Alas, I guess it's human nature.

I wish I was like so many of my other chemo buddies and didn't gain any weight from chemo. Maybe I'd have more energy now. More confidence, because I'd still weigh 120 lbs. Doubtful. Because I thought I was so fat even then.

I really wonder what my life would be like if I'd never had cancer.

It's dumb to think about those things. It's up there with "if I ever win the lotto" or "What would the world be like if Hitler LIVED?"

I'm sure it would be vastly different than my life now. But would that really be better? And does my life honestly suck? No.

We all can't be twenty years old forever. And Joan Rivers knows, we definitely can't look twenty forever.

On a good note, here's my Halloween costume for this year.