Crazy Sexy F*CKIN' CANCER!!!!

Watching "Crazy Sexy Cancer" on the Discovery Channel. Apparently it's "survivor night." So, they are showing a bunch of documentaries about/by cancer survivors.

I don't know WHY the fuck I'm watching this. Seriously, all it is doing is making me seriously depressed. Remembering that I'm incurable. I realize, okay... I've been in remission for seven years. That's a long time. For most cancers, I'd be considered cured by now. But, I have NON Hodgkins lymphoma, which has been categorized as incurable.

Everyone I know with lymphoma has relapsed and died.

Every

single

one.

I'm all that's left of my little lymphoma clique.

So, I'm getting these feelings of guilt. **why am I the only one left?** And I'm feeling lonely. **obviously, because I'm the only one left** And I'm feeling anxious. **when will I relapse?**

I've done a good job of putting it to the back of my mind lately, having cancer. This is a huge deal for me. I used to introduce myself as "I'm AmandaIhavecancer." It took YEARS for me to stop doing that. To stop using cancer as my defining characteristic. I think a good chunk of that, is because I'm a mom now. I don't think my daughter is ever going to realize the lives she has already saved. And she's only two.

Tonight, the thoughts are coming back again. Mostly because I found a lump.

I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago in my arm pit. Sometimes these lumps will go away. But it hasn't yet.

I'm getting flashbacks from the summer of 2002. I had been finding lumps all over my body. My legs. My arms. My abdomen. My neck. Everywhere. And I was freaking out that I might have cancer. I said "lymphatic cancer." I had never heard of lymphoma. But I knew something was wrong with my lymphnodes. It took about seven months to be diagnosed and give that bitter/sweet "I told you so" to my parents, fiancee, and doctor. The only time I didn't like being right.

I'm dealing with it better this time around. But yeah... I should gain the courage to actually go to the doctor about it. I can't be like Chris in "Crazy Sexy Cancer" and go on a raw diet to cure my cancer.