A new site is up now, aiming to gain information for my book idea. I really wish to publish a book for new survivors with the help of seasoned survivors. Please click on the link below to review the new page.
Chemoturtles book site
Please email us with any information, or questions.
A blog to better support cancer survivors; by sharing experiances, motivational tools, and review of cancer survivor-related materials.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Saturday, July 9, 2011
An update
I've decided to make a point of being less lazy. I've lost four pounds now, because of it. I'm being a more active parent with my daughter. Turning off the television and my tablet; actually engaging with my daughter. She is quite the little go-getter. Never allows me to rest a moment. *sob* Especially since she hasn't been napping. And here it is, nearly midnight and she has JUST NOW fallen asleep. (We put her down at 8:30) But even though I'm terribly exhausted, the amount of happy memories I've had with her are huge.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Rambles
Memories flooding back again. Came across some older pictures of me from my hospital stay eight years ago. (Still cannot believe it has been so long) Then, a post from the FML website about a girl thinking she had tonsilitis, but really having lymphoma. Lastly, a girl I worked with while I was in the midst of my chemotherpy treatment has starting working at my new company. (She's never seen me with hair. Last we met, I had no eyelashes or eyebrows even.)
Just another reminder that this will always be at the forefront of my mind. Nearly a decade later...
I'm still working on getting out of "victim" mode: still feeling like I'm in that hospital bed. It's not depression anymore. I know it's laziness. Laziness out of habit? Is that possible?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Anniversary and Nook book pics
Yep, today's my big eight year survivor anniversary. Big difference in life choices between 24 and 32. Oddly, though, I kind of feel like the years just froze and I'm still just 24. Must have been all that formaldehyde they pumped into me for chemo.
I have so far celebrated this weekend by buying myself an Ipod Touch. Pretty spiffy little thing. I'm such an app addict. But have been finding myself playing Monopoly on it quite often. Haven't found any actually "useful" apps other than my Weight Watchers app. But certainly not regretting this purchase. I'm such an utter techy. Thinking I'll also be getting myself a Verizon Wireless Iphone later this year.
I am also starting to read through some Stephen King books again. I haven't read his stuff in years. And I can't believe I've actually never read "Misery." How terrible! I've also never seen the movie in it's entirety. Sorry, Kathy Bates. My Nook book picks now are a bit vulgar, and not necessarily easy reads. But it's beats Nathaniel Hawthorne. His stuff gives me migraines from all the needless, artsy symbolism.
I have so far celebrated this weekend by buying myself an Ipod Touch. Pretty spiffy little thing. I'm such an app addict. But have been finding myself playing Monopoly on it quite often. Haven't found any actually "useful" apps other than my Weight Watchers app. But certainly not regretting this purchase. I'm such an utter techy. Thinking I'll also be getting myself a Verizon Wireless Iphone later this year.
I am also starting to read through some Stephen King books again. I haven't read his stuff in years. And I can't believe I've actually never read "Misery." How terrible! I've also never seen the movie in it's entirety. Sorry, Kathy Bates. My Nook book picks now are a bit vulgar, and not necessarily easy reads. But it's beats Nathaniel Hawthorne. His stuff gives me migraines from all the needless, artsy symbolism.
Friday, January 14, 2011
More merchandise.
I had a tote just like this during chemo. It's great for holding books, crossword puzzles, water bottles, and your snuggie.
http://www.choosehope.com/product/choose-hope-tote-bag
Comes in different colors.
http://www.choosehope.com/product/choose-hope-tote-bag
Comes in different colors.
Great hoodies.
I'm lime green for lymphoma, if anyone wants to get me one.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Just in case...
Just in case my cancer ever comes back...
I have started filling out this book for my daughter. Is that weird?
I have started filling out this book for my daughter. Is that weird?
NOOK!
I'm hopelessly addicted to my Nook. I received one for Christmas, and have already read five books.
This thing is fantastic!
I will also have to recommend the Harper Connelly series by Charlaine Harris. A nice and easy read for a murder mystery. I hate boring books.
This thing is fantastic!
I will also have to recommend the Harper Connelly series by Charlaine Harris. A nice and easy read for a murder mystery. I hate boring books.
2011
Yup, so it's that time of year again when I feel all empowered. I'm motivated to lose 40 lbs by May 1st. Let's see if this happens. The good news is that work has given me a great incentive and tapped into my competitive nature.
I always enjoy any possible opportunity to feel better than everyone else. Who doesn't?
Today was day one. I feel blissfully fulfilled and accomplished so far.
We'll see how I feel in a couple of weeks.
These are the Wii games I'm using to do some cardio at home, when I can't make it to the gym.
I'm also approaching my eight year survivor anniversary. Seriously, eight years!! I'm at a point where I've forgotten a lot about that year. I barely remember the type of chemo I took and the names of all my doctors and nurses. This is a good thing. It means I'm finally moving on.
How much has happened to me the passed eight years? A career change, graduated from college, got married, had a baby. Had a life. Life is really the only accomplishment I really needed.
I always enjoy any possible opportunity to feel better than everyone else. Who doesn't?
Today was day one. I feel blissfully fulfilled and accomplished so far.
We'll see how I feel in a couple of weeks.
These are the Wii games I'm using to do some cardio at home, when I can't make it to the gym.
I'm also approaching my eight year survivor anniversary. Seriously, eight years!! I'm at a point where I've forgotten a lot about that year. I barely remember the type of chemo I took and the names of all my doctors and nurses. This is a good thing. It means I'm finally moving on.
How much has happened to me the passed eight years? A career change, graduated from college, got married, had a baby. Had a life. Life is really the only accomplishment I really needed.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Hope the Bear
My aunt came over the other day and dropped off a huge Rubbermaid container of Beanie Babies. One of them was Hope.
This bear has a history. I first bought it in 1998, because of my personal quote "Hope threads together the tattered fabric of life." The following year, my aunt Maxine became terminally ill with colon cancer, and I had sent Hope to her. When she died in 2000, Hope was sent off to my grandmother. When she died in 2001, she was given to my aunt Cathy. (Who's husband died of bladder cancer last year and is also a fellow cancer survivor.)
My husband jokes that the bear is cursed. I personally doubt it. People die. But Hope is certainly NOT lucky, that's for sure.
This bear has a history. I first bought it in 1998, because of my personal quote "Hope threads together the tattered fabric of life." The following year, my aunt Maxine became terminally ill with colon cancer, and I had sent Hope to her. When she died in 2000, Hope was sent off to my grandmother. When she died in 2001, she was given to my aunt Cathy. (Who's husband died of bladder cancer last year and is also a fellow cancer survivor.)
My husband jokes that the bear is cursed. I personally doubt it. People die. But Hope is certainly NOT lucky, that's for sure.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Crazy Sexy F*CKIN' CANCER!!!!
Watching "Crazy Sexy Cancer" on the Discovery Channel. Apparently it's "survivor night." So, they are showing a bunch of documentaries about/by cancer survivors.
I don't know WHY the fuck I'm watching this. Seriously, all it is doing is making me seriously depressed. Remembering that I'm incurable. I realize, okay... I've been in remission for seven years. That's a long time. For most cancers, I'd be considered cured by now. But, I have NON Hodgkins lymphoma, which has been categorized as incurable.
Everyone I know with lymphoma has relapsed and died.
Every
single
one.
I'm all that's left of my little lymphoma clique.
So, I'm getting these feelings of guilt. **why am I the only one left?** And I'm feeling lonely. **obviously, because I'm the only one left** And I'm feeling anxious. **when will I relapse?**
I've done a good job of putting it to the back of my mind lately, having cancer. This is a huge deal for me. I used to introduce myself as "I'm AmandaIhavecancer." It took YEARS for me to stop doing that. To stop using cancer as my defining characteristic. I think a good chunk of that, is because I'm a mom now. I don't think my daughter is ever going to realize the lives she has already saved. And she's only two.
Tonight, the thoughts are coming back again. Mostly because I found a lump.
I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago in my arm pit. Sometimes these lumps will go away. But it hasn't yet.
I'm getting flashbacks from the summer of 2002. I had been finding lumps all over my body. My legs. My arms. My abdomen. My neck. Everywhere. And I was freaking out that I might have cancer. I said "lymphatic cancer." I had never heard of lymphoma. But I knew something was wrong with my lymphnodes. It took about seven months to be diagnosed and give that bitter/sweet "I told you so" to my parents, fiancee, and doctor. The only time I didn't like being right.
I'm dealing with it better this time around. But yeah... I should gain the courage to actually go to the doctor about it. I can't be like Chris in "Crazy Sexy Cancer" and go on a raw diet to cure my cancer.
I don't know WHY the fuck I'm watching this. Seriously, all it is doing is making me seriously depressed. Remembering that I'm incurable. I realize, okay... I've been in remission for seven years. That's a long time. For most cancers, I'd be considered cured by now. But, I have NON Hodgkins lymphoma, which has been categorized as incurable.
Everyone I know with lymphoma has relapsed and died.
Every
single
one.
I'm all that's left of my little lymphoma clique.
So, I'm getting these feelings of guilt. **why am I the only one left?** And I'm feeling lonely. **obviously, because I'm the only one left** And I'm feeling anxious. **when will I relapse?**
I've done a good job of putting it to the back of my mind lately, having cancer. This is a huge deal for me. I used to introduce myself as "I'm AmandaIhavecancer." It took YEARS for me to stop doing that. To stop using cancer as my defining characteristic. I think a good chunk of that, is because I'm a mom now. I don't think my daughter is ever going to realize the lives she has already saved. And she's only two.
Tonight, the thoughts are coming back again. Mostly because I found a lump.
I first noticed it a couple of weeks ago in my arm pit. Sometimes these lumps will go away. But it hasn't yet.
I'm getting flashbacks from the summer of 2002. I had been finding lumps all over my body. My legs. My arms. My abdomen. My neck. Everywhere. And I was freaking out that I might have cancer. I said "lymphatic cancer." I had never heard of lymphoma. But I knew something was wrong with my lymphnodes. It took about seven months to be diagnosed and give that bitter/sweet "I told you so" to my parents, fiancee, and doctor. The only time I didn't like being right.
I'm dealing with it better this time around. But yeah... I should gain the courage to actually go to the doctor about it. I can't be like Chris in "Crazy Sexy Cancer" and go on a raw diet to cure my cancer.
Monday, October 4, 2010
May We All Be Coffee Beans!
Finding that I need to repost this today. I hope it helps someone.
Found in the Orange Peel Gazette
You will probably never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on high fire. Soon, the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee." she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take and egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. It's outer shell protected it's liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, it's inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter, "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts will a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Found in the Orange Peel Gazette
You will probably never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on high fire. Soon, the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee." she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take and egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. It's outer shell protected it's liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, it's inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" she asked her daughter, "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts will a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?
Seether
Seethingly jealous today. I hate being jealous. I wish I could just be happy for myself and everything that I've accomplished. Alas, I guess it's human nature.
I wish I was like so many of my other chemo buddies and didn't gain any weight from chemo. Maybe I'd have more energy now. More confidence, because I'd still weigh 120 lbs. Doubtful. Because I thought I was so fat even then.
I really wonder what my life would be like if I'd never had cancer.
It's dumb to think about those things. It's up there with "if I ever win the lotto" or "What would the world be like if Hitler LIVED?"
I'm sure it would be vastly different than my life now. But would that really be better? And does my life honestly suck? No.
We all can't be twenty years old forever. And Joan Rivers knows, we definitely can't look twenty forever.
On a good note, here's my Halloween costume for this year.
I wish I was like so many of my other chemo buddies and didn't gain any weight from chemo. Maybe I'd have more energy now. More confidence, because I'd still weigh 120 lbs. Doubtful. Because I thought I was so fat even then.
I really wonder what my life would be like if I'd never had cancer.
It's dumb to think about those things. It's up there with "if I ever win the lotto" or "What would the world be like if Hitler LIVED?"
I'm sure it would be vastly different than my life now. But would that really be better? And does my life honestly suck? No.
We all can't be twenty years old forever. And Joan Rivers knows, we definitely can't look twenty forever.
On a good note, here's my Halloween costume for this year.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
A Return
I have learned that blogging from a smartphone is "no bueno." I have, thankfully, found a way to use internet connection on said smartphone to allow laptop to connect to internet.
I have been having such a difficult time finding the time to blog. (One month between posts is unacceptable.) So, I am now going to blog before work, during lunch breaks... etc.
I recently made a Twitter post and I am waiting to see if anyone responds to it.
Am I the only person who is still bitter?
I seriously CAN'T be the only one here. You guys have gotta be angry about the big C. How it has effected your life.. taken people away from you... ruined your finances and shattered some dreams you had.
Will I EVER get over this? I mean, I HAVE gone through therapy... and I have my fellow Chemoturtles... but still. Its so raw.
Please comment below or tweet me @chemoturtles.
I need to know I am not alone.l
I have been having such a difficult time finding the time to blog. (One month between posts is unacceptable.) So, I am now going to blog before work, during lunch breaks... etc.
I recently made a Twitter post and I am waiting to see if anyone responds to it.
Am I the only person who is still bitter?
I seriously CAN'T be the only one here. You guys have gotta be angry about the big C. How it has effected your life.. taken people away from you... ruined your finances and shattered some dreams you had.
Will I EVER get over this? I mean, I HAVE gone through therapy... and I have my fellow Chemoturtles... but still. Its so raw.
Please comment below or tweet me @chemoturtles.
I need to know I am not alone.l
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Remembering...
Are cancer survivors any different from those who have battled a war? There is still that feeling of guilt that I have survived while others havent. I have that constant feeling of worry that my luck may run out. I still get flash backs from all that happened. I cant watch "My Sisters Keeper" without bawling my eyes out. (It Hit too close to home, having been in my early twenties when I was sick.) I get reminded often that the scars are still very very shallow and raw.
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Thursday, July 1, 2010
Officially summer!!
YAH! It's the first day of July. The weatherman is giving me good news. Sunny all during my 3-day weekend. My goals for July are:
1.Minimum of two posts on chemoturtles.org a week.
2.Work every day this month.
3.Start a Chemoturtles.org forum for conversation-starters.
4.Find more book suggestions, articles about cancer, and search for more interesting cancer sites and share them with you!
I am also going to suggest something for this summer that my doctor is always raving to me about: a kindle. My doctor, God love him, just can't shut up about his. I love how small it is. I can just put it in my purse and go. With how quickly I go through books... I need one of these things. Another bonus: they are green. (No trees killed to make your book!)
1.Minimum of two posts on chemoturtles.org a week.
2.Work every day this month.
3.Start a Chemoturtles.org forum for conversation-starters.
4.Find more book suggestions, articles about cancer, and search for more interesting cancer sites and share them with you!
I am also going to suggest something for this summer that my doctor is always raving to me about: a kindle. My doctor, God love him, just can't shut up about his. I love how small it is. I can just put it in my purse and go. With how quickly I go through books... I need one of these things. Another bonus: they are green. (No trees killed to make your book!)
Suggestions for summer reading...
IF you are able to relax enough during chemo to actually read, I would suggest:
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Finding/Losing Faith After Cancer
I usually don't discuss religion with too many people. It's always a sore subject; regardless of your religion, or lack there of. But I recently had a conversation with a pastor that brought all these bad memories back to me.
I am one of those people who lost their faith after cancer.
No, it wasn't being angry with God for giving me cancer. It wasn't resentment. It was because of one little decision of a pastor that I had grown up with and grown to love.
My condition had been so grave when I was finally diagnosed, I was hospitalized for the next three weeks. (Driven from doctor's office, straight to hospital.) I asked my sister to call my pastor to come and see me. I was in desperate need of spiritual guidance and clinging to whatever hope I could find. I received a call from this paster the next day, at the hospital. As it turned out, she had changed churches. And I was not a member of her new church. She couldn't come to see me. She insisted I call the new pastor at my church, whom I didn't know. And she told me "You'll be just fine."
It was a couple of days later that I was officially diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I was refusing treatment, until my father put it all on the table for me. I would, without a doubt, be dead by my 24th birthday if I didn't do chemo. (My birthday was only a month away.) Obviously, I'm alive now. I caved and went through chemo. Later got married, and now have a daughter. So the "my" pastor (Which she isn't anymore, as she isn't working for my church anymore.) was right. So, why did this brief conversation I had with her nearly eight years ago effect me so much?
My conversation with a new pastor at a church in another state helped me realize why. It was a couple of reasons. One, politics. Religion doesn't belong in politics. And politics doesn't belong in religion. Yet, for several millenia, they always go hand in hand. Which, I feel, defeats the true purpose of both. But that's a conversation better left to a sociology term paper.
Second, my pastor let me down. Not only was she the ONLY female pastor I had ever met. She was a young pastor. Sweet and charismatic, she had a knack with understanding the teenager. I do credit her for helping keep me out of trouble. But it was this little thing she announced to all of us the first day of confirmation class. She gave us all her phone number, and told us that if we were EVER in trouble, to call her. She didn't care what the trouble was. She would come and get us, no questions asked. We all got a freebie. I never used my freebie throughout my teen years. And when I wanted to claim my freebie at the age of 23... she didn't come.
I was quite surprised that this conversation with this new pastor got to me so much. I actually cried. All these aweful memories and feelings I'd held back for so long just came to surface. Maybe now, I'll be able to make peace with all this. Who knows. But at least I now know where all my resentment comes from.
I am one of those people who lost their faith after cancer.
No, it wasn't being angry with God for giving me cancer. It wasn't resentment. It was because of one little decision of a pastor that I had grown up with and grown to love.
My condition had been so grave when I was finally diagnosed, I was hospitalized for the next three weeks. (Driven from doctor's office, straight to hospital.) I asked my sister to call my pastor to come and see me. I was in desperate need of spiritual guidance and clinging to whatever hope I could find. I received a call from this paster the next day, at the hospital. As it turned out, she had changed churches. And I was not a member of her new church. She couldn't come to see me. She insisted I call the new pastor at my church, whom I didn't know. And she told me "You'll be just fine."
It was a couple of days later that I was officially diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. I was refusing treatment, until my father put it all on the table for me. I would, without a doubt, be dead by my 24th birthday if I didn't do chemo. (My birthday was only a month away.) Obviously, I'm alive now. I caved and went through chemo. Later got married, and now have a daughter. So the "my" pastor (Which she isn't anymore, as she isn't working for my church anymore.) was right. So, why did this brief conversation I had with her nearly eight years ago effect me so much?
My conversation with a new pastor at a church in another state helped me realize why. It was a couple of reasons. One, politics. Religion doesn't belong in politics. And politics doesn't belong in religion. Yet, for several millenia, they always go hand in hand. Which, I feel, defeats the true purpose of both. But that's a conversation better left to a sociology term paper.
Second, my pastor let me down. Not only was she the ONLY female pastor I had ever met. She was a young pastor. Sweet and charismatic, she had a knack with understanding the teenager. I do credit her for helping keep me out of trouble. But it was this little thing she announced to all of us the first day of confirmation class. She gave us all her phone number, and told us that if we were EVER in trouble, to call her. She didn't care what the trouble was. She would come and get us, no questions asked. We all got a freebie. I never used my freebie throughout my teen years. And when I wanted to claim my freebie at the age of 23... she didn't come.
I was quite surprised that this conversation with this new pastor got to me so much. I actually cried. All these aweful memories and feelings I'd held back for so long just came to surface. Maybe now, I'll be able to make peace with all this. Who knows. But at least I now know where all my resentment comes from.
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